The Complexity of Finding Yourself “Far from the Tree”

“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”

This Socratic quote, bestowed upon me from one of my graduate supervisors, comes to the forefront of my mind as I eagerly turn the pages of Andrew Soloman’s book entitled Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity. (Beautiful website!!)

I happened upon this book after reading through the 2012 National Book Critics Circle Awards. Soloman, historically known for his other award winning book The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, has wowed yet again with Far from the Tree.

With development as my forte, I could not resist delving into this gem. Also, as I find myself approaching the quarter life mark, the concept of becoming a parent is becoming increasingly comfortable and realistic.

Since graduate school, the naivety I posses with regards to understanding children and how they function has somewhat decreased. Though, I cannot say that I don’t feel tinges of fear and anxiety upon interacting with my friends’ children. Learning about development has been quite enjoyable, however it may or may not have created a hyperawareness around what not to do as a parent.

I meet the concept of parenting with intrigue and as with most endeavors, I desire to educate myself before embarking on such a journey.

Though I’m not completely done with this 962 pg. behemoth, I cannot resist raving about its rich and thought provoking content.

The main tenant of this book is “diversity unites us all.” Soloman embarked on a ten-year expedition before writing this book. During that time, he interviewed over three hundred families facing deafness, Down Syndrome, schizophrenia, autism, children born out of rape, prodigies, dyslexia, and many more. As an openly gay man, Soloman extrapolates numerous connections between his struggle with oppression and the many nuances of oppression experienced by the families he interviewed.

Some may argue that such families cannot or should not be lumped together. Some may think their lived experiences are dramatically different. No one can tell you that you are wrong or right in those assertions. However, Solomon posits that “The compulsion to build such hierarchies persists even among these people, all of whom have been harmed by them.” Powerful sentences like this are jam packed into this book.

It is not only oppression that he writes about. He weaves his candid stories in beautiful ways to highlight the joy and love that comes along with being a parent in the midst of struggle. The anguish of having more bad days than good. The happy endings that come along with having a child who is different than you expected. The happy endings that don’t come, despite great hope, and how people cope with that harsh reality. As well as the complex ways children and their parents develop an identity, despite others wanting them to be something else.

Solomon opens his book with this seemingly caustic line: “There is no such thing as reproduction.” His opening paragraphs appear to strip readers of their Just World comforts. For instance, he constructs conception as a “permanent relationship with a stranger” and highlights the common parental fantasy of birthing a child who will be more similar to them, than different. While you may feel ambivalence around these statements, I challenge you to read on.

He goes on to educate readers about the concepts of vertical and horizontal identities.

vertical: “attributes and values passed down from parent to child across generations not only through DNA, but through shared cultural norms” Ex: Ethnicity, language, religion (somewhat), nationatlity, etc.

horizontal: “may reflect recessive genes, random mutations, prenatal influences or values & preferences that a child does not share with his parents.” Ex: sexual identity, physical disability, psychopathy, autism, intellectual disability, etc.

He explains such to not only provide a concrete way of defining identity, but to also highlight that children dynamically and fluidly develop on the “different than me.” spectrum.

The first chapter sets up the following key points, which the author expands upon as he delves into the complexity of his interviewees’ lives:

• Understanding the language of identity is key for habituation to a family life you may have not imagined.
• Aberrance is not an illness.
• The challenge for parents to “speak a language they never thought of studying.”
• Children require their parents to “neither insist on the lie of a perfect happiness nor lapse into the slipshod brutality of giving up.”
• It’s ok for parents to give themselves space for ambivalence; there is “no shame in being exhausted.”
• Increasing understanding of diversity is essential for decreasing oppressive assumptions.
• Deconstructing differences between parental desire for child suffering and parental desire to avoid self-suffering.
• Candid illumination of lives that are “enriched by difficulty.”

Reticence cannot be found as Solomon openly reveals his inspiration for the book comes from his own path of self-discovery. Being a consumer of psychological text, I found his writing to be genuine and refreshing. So often we find authors who attempt to be personable and relatable, but often fall short of this feat. Solomon unabashedly waves around his struggle. He is not afraid to admit his fear and frustration with his upbringing, sexuality, and identity. In my education and experience with counseling clients, it seems that avoiding these very utterances can be at the root of our psychic despair.

His content appears largely anthropological, however familiar self-help gems can be found along the way. The language is a bit heavy at times, and may evoke cognitive dissonance in the most competent of parents, but the non-psychologically minded should not be discouraged. Solomon keenly inserts very approachable anecdotes on a variety of familial topics, which serve to increase the reader’s trust and empathy.

After skimming through this book, I am most notably struck by Solomon’s call for readers to think critically and not fear complexity, but embrace it. So often we are told to “think outside the box,” or get frustrated when we try to see the bigger picture. By reading books like this that gradually challenge the scope of our intellect and raise our self-awareness, we are more prepared to handle the inherent ambiguity that life entails.

Channeling Solomon, perhaps I picked up this book for the same reasons he began writing it. I think many of us seek to find and develop our identities. We strive to do the best with what we have at any given moment. I also like this book because I know it will push me. It will most likely cause me to reorganize some previous notions, but it will also help to increase my flexibility. A flexibility that will undoubtedly come in handy as I develop as a counselor, partner, friend, and eventually, a parent.

As an aspiring therapist, I envision that years from now, this book will have a central place on my shelf.